Jokes
Jokes of the week
19 November 2008
DIRTY JOKES TABOO JOKES YO' MOMMA JOKES CHINESE PROVERB JOKES
Italian joke
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Midget joke
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.'
Paris pun joke
Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
'I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
(terrible, we know).
Michael Jackson joke
Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child. Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"
Amish joke
Q: What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop
clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop
bang bang clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop ?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Amish joke II
Q. What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's arse?
A. A mechanic
When the bartender turned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and said, 'Now cut that out! I warned you!' and promptly threw the group out.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, 'If I've told them once, I've told them a hundred times; NO SINGING IN THE PUB!'
Spanish joke
Q. What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
A. Roberto
Spanish joke
Q. What do you call one Spanish man?
A. Juan
Fatherhood joke
Three guys are sitting discussing fatherhood and the Tremendous Ordeal of daughters growing up so fast.
Party joke
A Cambridge postgrad is in the Alaskan wilderness, researching and writing a thesis on the hibernation of a certain - vary rare - breed of shrew. After four months alone in and around his cabin, he sits down one evening and there come violent pounding on the door. He opens is carefully, and is confronted by a vast hairy lumberjack, stinking of bourbon.
Garry Glitter Joke
Shocked by the news that Jade Goody has cancer, Garry Glitter has sent an emotional message to her on his release from prison.
Dear Jade,
So sorry to hear your bad news.
If you ever need a babysitter...
Swedish joke
A Swedish fella goes into the chemist and says, 'Hallo. Ah am looking for tha de-odorant, pliss?'
'No problem,' says the chap behind the counter. 'Ball or aerosole?'
'No, I want it for to put on my armpits.
Chinese joke
I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday , and I asked him if he knew where the word 'Kung fu' came from.
Grandad said, "my old school playground."
So I asked, "how is that, then?"
And grandad said, "during school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed, 'Wot Kung fu dat?'"
Dwarf joke
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Cheese joke
Q. Which cheese is my cheese?
A. Nacho cheese
Swim joke
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs that swims the Channel?
A. Clever Dick
Pizza joke
I phoned my local pizza restaurant the other day and ordered a thin and crispy supreme. They sent me Diana Ross
Books joke
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Buddhist joke
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Jesus joke
Q. What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye kicked the fuck out of him.
Twins joke
A pregnant woman gives birth to twin boys, but circumstances force her to give them up for adoption. One of the twins goes to an Egyptian family, which names him Amal, while the other goes to a Spanish family, which names him Juan. Many years later, the grown-up Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she is moved to tears. Between sobs, she says to her husband: “Oh, how I wish I had a photo of Amal as well.” Unmoved, her husband replies: “But my dear, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”
Raincoat joke
A: Mac
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats?
A: Max
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats in a cemetary?
A: Max Bygraves
Fish joke
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed… I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
Stevie Wonder joke
Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and shouted at the top of his voice, “Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”.
Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz melody
for about 10 minutes.
When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man jumped up again and shouted “No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.
Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the place apart. The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumped up again. “No, no, NO. Play a Jazz chord, a jazz
chord!!”.
Well and truly pissed off that this little bloke didn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage “OK smart ass, you
get up here and do it!”
The little old Japanese man man climbed nervously onto the stage, took holdof the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing….
” A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo…”
Man joke
-A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
KitKat joke
-A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Tourettes joke
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, whats your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"
Harry Potter joke
-I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?
Chinese joke
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency, after recieving his money he asks "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less yuans in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
Schwarzenegger joke
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme, and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing upcoming projects. Stallone says "why don't we do some sorta action movie about classical composers? I've always fancied playing Beethoven."
"Brilliant" says van Damme. "I'm sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky."
Seagal nods and says "I've got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys."
Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says...
"I'll be Bach."
for more jokes: sikipedia.org
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