Jokes of the week
Jokes of the week
28 August 2008
DIRTY JOKES TABOO JOKES YO' MOMMA JOKES
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Garry Glitter Joke
Shocked by the news that Jade Goody has cancer, Garry Glitter has sent an emotional message to her on his release from prison.
Dear Jade,
So sorry to hear your bad news.
If you ever need a babysitter...
Swedish joke
A Swedish fella goes into the chemist and says, 'Hallo. Ah am looking for tha de-odorant, pliss?'
'No problem,' says the chap behind the counter. 'Ball or aerosole?'
'No, I want it for to put on my armpits.
Chinese joke
I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday , and I asked him if he knew where the word 'Kung fu' came from.
Grandad said, "my old school playground."
So I asked, "how is that, then?"
And grandad said, "during school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed, 'Wot Kung fu dat?'"
Dwarf joke
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Cheese joke
Q. Which cheese is my cheese?
A. Nacho cheese
Swim joke
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and legs that swims the Channel?
A. Clever Dick
Pizza joke
I phoned my local pizza restaurant the other day and ordered a thin and crispy supreme. They sent me Diana Ross
Books joke
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Buddhist joke
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Jesus joke
Q. What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye kicked the fuck out of him.
Twins joke
A pregnant woman gives birth to twin boys, but circumstances force her to give them up for adoption. One of the twins goes to an Egyptian family, which names him Amal, while the other goes to a Spanish family, which names him Juan. Many years later, the grown-up Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she is moved to tears. Between sobs, she says to her husband: “Oh, how I wish I had a photo of Amal as well.” Unmoved, her husband replies: “But my dear, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”
Raincoat joke
A: Mac
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats?
A: Max
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats in a cemetary?
A: Max Bygraves
Fish joke
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed… I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
Stevie Wonder joke
Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and shouted at the top of his voice, “Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”.
Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz melody
for about 10 minutes.
When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man jumped up again and shouted “No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.
Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the place apart. The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumped up again. “No, no, NO. Play a Jazz chord, a jazz
chord!!”.
Well and truly pissed off that this little bloke didn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage “OK smart ass, you
get up here and do it!”
The little old Japanese man man climbed nervously onto the stage, took holdof the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing….
” A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo…”
Man joke
-A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
KitKat joke
-A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Tourettes joke
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, whats your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"
Harry Potter joke>
-I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?
Chinese joke
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency, after recieving his money he asks "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less yuans in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
Schwarzenegger joke
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme, and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing upcoming projects. Stallone says "why don't we do some sorta action movie about classical composers? I've always fancied playing Beethoven."
"Brilliant" says van Damme. "I'm sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky."
Seagal nods and says "I've got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys."
Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says...
"I'll be Bach."
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