Eyebrow Magazine

I thought you might like this report I did for you, which comes straight from the people of Thame. 

Time for Eyebrow to take the temperature of the nation and find out what YOU are thinking so WE can write something about it and YOU can read back to yourself what YOU already think. This week we seek out the lisp-prone people of Thame in Thestford, Sussex to hear their views on the hottest political potatoes.

On the hot plate today, Baroness Sayeeda Warsi, a Muslim, who was appointed to David Cameron's shadow cabinet earlier this year. In an interview with the Independent, she said: "There are a lot of people out there who are voting for the British National Party and it's those people that we mustn't just write off and say 'well, we won't bother because they are voting BNP or we won't engage with them'. "They have some very legitimate views – ". What does Thame think of that?

We caught up with Jane Eyre, a mother of two. Jane has voted for the Green Party in every national and local election for the past twenty years, but in the most recent council she elections she voted for the BNP. Why the sudden change? 'Well, the Greens have become bloody rude, haven't they? One of them came to my door last month while I was in my dressing gown and said to me "What's your carbon footprint?'" just like that to my face. He just came out with it. Well I looked down at my feet and said "I don't know, I've always been about a size 5, sometimes a 6 in TopShop," and there was silence and then he started wittering on about the bloody environment and how my carbon shoe size was probably bigger than I thought and I literally had to shout him down saying "I don't have any bloody carbon shoes!".

'I don't know what it was that first made me think of the BNP, it's not as though they do a lot of advertising. I don't even know that the 'P' in BNP stands for to be honest, but it's just catchy, like Tesco. I don't even know what the 'o' in Tesco stands for come to think of it. I don't think it's offal, though it might be offal. I regularly tell my friends or people in the supermarket that I'm a BNP voter now and some of them go a bit funny with me. Especially the you-know-whos. But the BNP have got a bit of a community thing going in this area and next month they're organising a whites-only fun fair. I look terrible in white, but a few hours on the sunbed should sort that out'.

Next door we met Farsal Hashim, a resident in Thame for the last five years. 'Yes, it's true my 87-year old father was beaten up and murdered by someone who turned out to be a member of a right-wing party. It was terribly gruesome. First they beat him, then they killed him. Some people have suggested that my father beat himself up first to make the murder look even worse, but I don't think that was the case. He was never a fan of violence and had trouble even lifting his walking stick. Some people have said it was a self-fulfilling prophecy and when I ask them what they mean by that they tell me to work it out for myself. Will this event change how I vote? I don't think so. I don't see the harm in voting BNP and this whites-only fun fair will be a bloody good laugh.'

I can't think why these wooly liberals are so upset by proposed tougher measures to tackle knife crime. If you really mean business, you don't want a flick-knife or wickedly sharp kitchen blade since the victim barely feels it. May I recommend instead a common or garden butter knife?  They're cheap, easily available, and hurt like hell.