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Italians were this morning surprised to find themselves with a new Prime Minister. 

Following instructions broadcast on every one of Silvio Berlusconi’s television stations, an un-Italian 80% of people voted by text in what they thought was a competition to win a fuck from Italy’s next top model. 

However, Europe’s virtuoso lovers were actually voting for the 71-year-old media mogul and his party, The People of Liberty, in what is the country’s 62^nd election in 63 years.

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Silvio Berlusconi gets jiggy with one of Italy's less hot women.

 

They returned the sinister alleged career criminal and billionaire with 46.4% of the vote, giving the three-time Prime Minister the majority he needed with which, he joked, he could lead the country for a full five years. 

Following the highly entertaining collapse of the previous government, a coalition of ten different parties, Italian politics has now streamlined itself into a two-party affair, with only a handful of swarthy latin men and unbelievably hot women on the periphery to ‘lend tone’.

S. Berlusconi’s centre-right government won majorities over the opposition – the centre-left Democratic Party, led by Rome’s former mayor Walter Vitroni – in both parliamentary houses. 

The Arcobaleno party, an unlikely mix of communists and environmentalists, failed to win a seat due to their wearing of unpleasant pastel colours and their lack of unbelievably hot women on the campaign trail. 

However, Umberto Bossi, the leader of the Northern League and a man who has caused serious problems for Berlusconi’s previous governments, managed to attract eight per cent due to his promise of devolving the rich, industrial north of the country from the bunch of superstitious peasants who scratch an existence in the south, thereby denying them access to the unbelievably hot women who slink lubriciously around Milan, Venice and Florence before being exported to other EU member states as brides for the various presidents. 

It is through enterprising schemes such as these that the new Prime Minister hopes to pay off the country’s £1 200 billion debt.

According to his manifesto, such as it is, he also plans to utilise the country’s rich veins of unbelievably hot women to loosen the stranglehold of Italy’s powerful unions.

And despite bouncing in and out of court more often than a tennis ball, Berlusconi – due back there tomorrow to face charges of obstructing the course of justice - also assured Italians that he would do something about the Mafia, though left commentators guessing as to whether he was going to persecute the Sicilians or simply flood the island with unbelievably hot women. 

The election campaigns were dominated by the rickety political system and the plight of Alitalia, a company which consists of a small number of ‘aeroplanes’ in which generations of unbelievably hot women have been taught to smooth blankets over the bulging crotches of swarthy latin men in sunglasses.

The airline is losing close to a billion euros a week and will go into administration if the new government’s panacea of Unbelievably Hot Women isn’t applied within weeks. 

Whilst there is inevitably some truth in the allegation that Italy is absolutely stuffed with unbelievably hot women, some Italians fear there may not be enough of them simultaneously to crush organised crime, rebuild the country’s infrastructure, manage the national debt and save the airline.

A failure in any of these key areas would inevitably be a blow to the confidence placed in S. Berlusconi by the people who’ve voted him in twice before whilst all the time complained loudly but stylishly about how he deliberately and maliciously completely fucked up their country. 

Whatever happens, the EU is likely to be forced to step in with financial support and potentially a lend-lease scheme not instituted since the 1940s, in which reasonably hot women from Germany, blindingly hot women from Scandinavia and two skanky slags from Fife, Scotland are tossed over the Alps to mix things up a bit.