In recent weeks, representatives of four competing parties have let actions speak louder than words, and so if you want to see how these repellent slave-turned-masters will treat the country should their party gain power, just look at what they’re doing with their willies. 

First on the stump was Labour’s candidate for London Mayor, one Kenneth Livingstone.

Ken Livingstone and Emma Beal

Having convinced a variety of women to put their vaginas at the service of the state and whelp a litter of little Livingstones, this is socialism in the raw.

In making his engorged ‘means of production’ available to so many female Londoners, can we expect a reinstatement of Clause 4, and a return to Old Labour, genuinely socialist ideals? 

Or will country’s councils go a little less far to the left, and show their admiration for Nick Clegg’s self-confessed ‘not particularly brilliant nor particularly bad’ sexual performances?

Limiting himself to ‘no more than 30’ lovers before becoming leader, is this commendable modesty what we’re looking for when the economy is facing such troubled times and Britain needs to reassert itself in Europe? 

 

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg-over and number 30 (his wife) Miriam Gonazales Durantez

 

And whilst the Conservatives seem back on mid-season, mid-nineteenth-century form with a front bench made up exclusively of Eton and Oxford inbred hybrids, are they really packing the sexual wallop in those exquisitely tailored trousers needed to compete in local government?

If the Tory donor-cum-peer Lord Laidlaw is anything to go by, perhaps they are.

Boris, with his tediously middle-of-the-road affairs, has been put in the shade by a 64-year-old multi-millionaire Scots toff whose willy-based shenanigans were revealed last weekend by the News of the World. 

In a demonstration to the public that the Conservatives are once more the party of economic competence, the twice-married Baron invested £27000 in a night that involved a civilised dinner, a rather robust claret, a charming suite in Monte Carlo’s Hermintage hotel, and four smoking-hot girls slithering around on the floor eating each other out.

And then, in a bid to reaffirm the socially inclusive values of his party, he then asked a gigolo to come in and fuck each one of the four girls whilst he maintained ministerial oversight and popped Viagra like so many Smarities. Hail, fellow, well met! 

 

Lord Irvine Laidlaw and incredible looking hooker Michelle Vignardi

Finally, slightly further to the right, we have eyebrow interviewee Richard Barnbrook.

As the BNP mayoral candidate, he knows he’s facing an uphill struggle when it comes to wooing voters with his charmingly neo-fascist views. Although he’s already married to a policewoman, he is also engaged to the highly flexible ballerina Simona Clark.

Unwilling to limit his ‘neither active nor skilfull’ lovemaking to white Anglo-Saxons, his appeal is broadening to include Finnish nurses such as Annika Tavilampi

 

 

Annika Tavilampi

She admits she never stood a chance, beguiled and bewitched as she was by his sophisticated advances – they found one another on the internet, and he then sent her mobile phone pictures of his great big swollen kampf before they’d even met.

But don’t be mistaken like Annika was; don’t come crying to us if it turns out that his racial and religious intolerance is just so much window-dressing for more sinister ambitions. 

‘If I’d known before that he was a sleazebag, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him,’ she said.