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Where do you turn when you’re a Labour Prime Minister facing criticism from within your party and without?

Where do you go for a nice friendly interview and humanising profile? The New Statesman, that’s where. 

Except even the fluffiest of powder-puff interviews couldn’t hide the problems of Gordon Brown. 

When asked what he bought his wife for her birthday he laughs, "Oh, come on. That's a secret," which we take to mean, “Book token, same as every year”. 

Probed about his romantic side he said, “Ask Sarah”. Again, we’re hardly picturing Sting-like tantric sessions here.

More like a y-fronts and socks on servicing at the end of the fiscal year with his jaw popping open at each monotonous thrust. “Time for the duty, Sarah. Wear your starchiest smock. Wee Gordon is ready for an inspection”. 

Undeterred, the Staggers interviewer then nauseatingly says, “Some women say you remind them of Heathcliff’. 

What? Which women are these? Who amongst the fairer sex spends any time thinking about Brown, other than to quell ardour or as an emetic for bulimics (suddenly Prescott makes sense)? 

Heathcliff, as any fule kno, was an embittered and violent figure who treated others with cruelty and contempt. His hobbies were domestic abuse, murder and digging up the remains of his dead lover. 

Anyone with half a brain would be none too pleased at the comparison. So our dear PM duly replies… 

“Absolutely correct. Well, maybe an older Heathcliff, a wiser Heathcliff." 

Oh you fucktard. 

It’s one thing to pretend to know about a book he’s clearly never read, but then to suggest he’s the new and improved version makes him look a tit. He obviously thinks Heathcliff is a roguish scamp, whereas he’s the finished product. 

More accurate would be “Women say you remind them of a grey skinned, mouth-breathing sex offender”. 

And of course instead of the ‘PM is a human being after all – shock’ headlines he was hoping for from the interview he instead got ‘Gordon thinks he’s Heathcliff – nob’. 

The New Statesman concludes with “Perhaps Gordon Brown is not so different from the rest of us, after all.” 

Which, as a rallying call behind an embattled PM, is pretty fucking pathetic. 

Get a grip Gordon. Drop the smiling, drop the sensitive-side bollocks. 

Sort out the economy and run the country. That’s it. 

It’s what Cathy would have wanted.