Dutch shtoners are really freaking out thish week after their fascist government, like, completely banned shmoking, man.

Ash the law shtands it’sh now like ‘oh yeah, like you can totally have a joint, dude’ but it’sh alsho like ‘hey dude, you can’t put tobacco in that reefer, man, i’sh fucking bad for you.’ 

The Dutsch Conshumer Product Shafety Aushority have hired 200 poachers-cum-gamekeepers to like really tell the five-oh if there’re weak-ass peaceniks just chilling, having a joint with tobacco in it instead of that pure shit, man.

Like real sticky-icky super skunk that’s fucking just like ‘whoah’ and do for you what it did to Mike who went like totally psycho and stabbed his dog because he thought it was a fucking chicken that was looking at him mean. A fucking chicken. Jesus. Fucking climbed out of his toaster and went for his fucking eyes. I mean, you don’t get that shit with pure joints, man, it’s the fucking tobacco. 

Dude. A fucking chicken. Imagine. Fucking chickens, dude. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Chickens. 

A guy in Amsterdam

The Dutch Health Minister, genuinely called Ab Klink, said he hoped the new law would encourage ‘consumers who spend the whole day hanging out in coffee shops to find other things to do’, something less destructive to society, such as patronising those hookers who sit in windows, their vaginas puffing eerily on Nicorette inhalers whilst nobody watches, the currency of their sexuality and independence worn away with every punter, like worn coins. 

Meanwhile in Britain, a deliberately-leaked Government report has stunned the nation, leaving it gob-smacked and unable to express its full adulation for the Government’s subtlety and general amazingness.

The Chief Medical Officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, has concluded - after much collating of data, studying of pie-charts and repetition of the word ‘demographic’ - that the Government’s ban on smoking in public places has in effect banned smoking in public places. 

The ban, which has been in effect for a year now, has, he concludes, banned people from smoking.

And, he adds, all this banning of smoking has occurred without adversely affecting businesses such photographic developers and those places that cut keys and mend shoes but also sell Zippo lighters and watch-straps.

3% of businesses have been slightly affected, he admitted. Pub closures are up by 700% and are currently going under at the rate of 30 a week due to unrelated international economic pressure, unchecked immigration and the credit crunch. Not to mention the housing crisis and the price of crude oil. 

Despite the paucity of pubs, however, another report has concluded that New Labour’s attempt to ban people from drinking by letting them drink all the time has mysteriously failed to ban people from drinking.

The Local Government Association, the association which came top in an IPSOS MORI poll asking members of the public ‘the members of which association would you most like to see feeding themselves into one of those incinerators that they have in hospital basements?’, announced that people were drinking more than ever. 

Despite Tessa Jowell’s faultless logic (‘the reason we are moving to more flexible licensing hours is because all the evidence is that crime and disorder is at its peak at chucking-out time’) it seems that most violent offenders aren’t so confused by the new legislation that they just stay at home and watch Deal or No Deal, but instead go out drinking for longer and delay beating the shit out of strangers until later in the evening when all the police are asleep. 

‘No chucking-out time means no peak. No peak means no scary graphs. No scary graphs mean that I can prove to you that it’s perfectly safe to go out around your constituency at any time of the day or night because the only reason people get stabbed, kicked in the head or shot is the scary peak on the graph we inherited from the Tories,’ said a demented apparatchik from somewhere like Hazel Blears’ office.