"The R Kelly tape in question is alleged to show numerous sex acts, including the girl being urinated upon. Rumours thus surfaced of the ‘Jellyfish defense,’ which in all honesty is unlikely to gain much traction."

After six years of delays and more than 30 pre-trial motions, R&B star R. Kelly is to finally stand trial on child pornography charges. 

Hollywood of late has become the Lourdes of America, washing away the sins of the racist, homophobic and anti-semitic.

Kiddy-fiddling however, might be the straw that breaks the under-age girl’s back.

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R: Kelly: ‘I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King…...'

 

R’, 41, was indicted on June 5, 2002, after the appearance of a videotape that police say shows him having sex with a girl as young as 13.

His team of John Grisham-reading attorneys have come up with the ‘Shaggy defense’ - It wasn’t me.

This is slightly stronger than Michael Jackson’s ‘We shared a bed but nothing happened,’ but not as good as Dr. Richard Kimble’s, ‘it wasn’t me…it was the one armed man.’ If in doubt, blame the disabled. It worked for Paul McCartney. 

It’s not R’s first time either. He was reportedly married to the then fifteen-year-old Aaliyah, and at least three other women filed lawsuits stating they had sex with him before turning 17, with a fourth reaching an out-of-court settlement. Similar charges in Florida were dropped after the search that led to them was ruled illegal. 

The tape in question is alleged to show numerous sex acts, including the girl being urinated upon. Rumours thus surfaced of the ‘Jellyfish defense,’ which in all honesty is unlikely to gain much traction. 

Unsurprisingly, the charges have not affected his sales a jot.

R “Lorraine” Kelly has sold more than 12 million records since the allegations were made, and his last major tour in 2006 earned revenue of $8.3 million. 

Indeed, Kelly seems to be metaphorically (as well as physically) rubbing everyone’s faces in it, releasing an album entitled Chocolate Factory in which he promised to ‘stick my key in your ignition,’ referred to himself as the ‘pied piper of R&B,’ and asked the listeners to ‘just come to daddy.’

His Scientology-inspired 22-part video Trapped in the Closet didn’t win him any friends either. 

Jury selection is also proving difficult in the celebrity-obsessed USA.

Potential peers seem to view the proceedings as an American Idol audition, bursting into renditions of I Believe I Can Fly when cross-examined by the defence. 

Kelly has said of himself: ‘I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King…...’ So a draft-dodging, suicidal, dope-smoking womaniser. Sounds about right. 

Although both Robert and the woman identified as the victim say they are not the ones in the video, the judge has ruled that the videotape may be shown in open court as long as everyone’s hands are on the table. 

The trial continues.