So, apparently, Madonna Louise Ciccone, first lady of pop, emancipator of women, sexual deviant and lapsed Catholic, is splitting from her husband. Good news for all the gerontophiliacs/ lycra fetishists out there. Bad news for Guy Ritchie. Well, a run of bad luck, really. The last time he made a decent film was eight years ago, he’s not sexy anymore and his megastar wife is reportedly calling in the big guns to protect her assets; so he can kiss that private jet goodbye.

Of course, this being show business, there are two sides to every story, both of which are probably completely erroneous.

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News first broke in The Times almost a week ago that Madonna had met with uber-divorce lawyeress Fiona Shackleton. Shackleton, who was last seen indulging in courtroom water sports with Heather Mills, has a reputation for steeliness and is the divorce lawyer of choice for the exceptionally wealthy. Material Girl she most certainly is.

Although Madonna’s camp originally declined to comment, after a few days spokesperson Liz Rosenberg dismissed reports that Ritchie had flown to New York in a desperate attempt to save his marriage (and his black American Express).

“Madonna’s husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family,” said Rosenberg.

“He is not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage, which does not need saving.” So there. Except Rosenberg doesn’t really have a reputation for veracity. In October 2006 when everyone was wondering exactly what Madonna was doing in Malawi, Rosenberg swore blind that “Madonna has not adopted a baby, despite reports to the contrary.” Hmm.

So why all the fuss? Rumours of a split have been flying around for a while, as they do with any half-decent celebrity couple. Guy is supposedly fed up with Kabbalah.

Madonna is supposedly fed up with watching Lock, Stock every time Guy feels like reminding her that he used to have a career. David Banda won’t stop crying because he isn’t allowed to watch In Bed With Madonna. Who knows?

If Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, she’s probably worried about her wallet.

The notoriously parsimonious star has an estimated personal fortune of $300 million, and very likely more. She and Ritchie have no pre-nuptial agreement, meaning that in any potential settlement, the starting point is a 50/50 split.

On this basis, Ritchie’s marriage could prove to be more profitable than all of his movies put together.

And of course, it wouldn’t be a worthwhile split without rumours of infidelity.

Tabloids both side of the Atlantic were quick to speculate who or what Madonna might be shagging. Gossip magazine US Weekly claimed that New York-based Madge was having an affair with superstar Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. Now I’m all for fevered conjecture, but be realistic, please. A-Rod is young and hot. Madonna is old and sinewy and looks like a piece of gristle. However, they do both have a profound appreciation for the tracksuit. Maybe it is love