Doherty does Porridge
Doherty does Porridge
18 April 2008
The Sun has today offered its full support for the staffer who broke the news to an outraged British public that Pete Doherty has been shooting up in his cell in HMP Wormwood Scrubs.
Editor Rebecca (sic) Wade said in a statement that 'this paper is not so much a pillar of the working class community but a buttress, supporting, as it were, very much from the outside' before continuing, 'and despite the ethical ambiguities of the ficti-, um, investigative report, The Sun maintains that showing pictures of a junky doing smack are very much in the public interest....anyway, our readers are so fucking stupid that we often find it difficult to find short enough words to describe the things that happen. Stupid cunts....wait, are you still recording this......'
Meanwhile the 29-year-old singer Doherty, who is currently serving 14 weeks care of Her Majesty for breaking the terms of his sentence for possession of a really respectable variety of class A narcotics, is said to be "slightly concerned" with Mystic Meg's prediction for his star sign; Pisces. According to Meg: 'As Venus joins the sun in his money chart so love can make him richer in so many ways.'
According to the Sun's groundbreaking report, the prison in which he languishes is full of criminals who'd be more than happy to show young Peter just how many ways. These people or 'lags' as the Sun likes to call them, reflecting their basic honourability and lovable-rogueness, are said to be unhappy with the preferential treatment the young rocker is receiving.
Doherty, it seems, is getting real five-star treatment. He's on a wing set aside specifically for high-risk prisoners, laughing it up with paedophiles, common-or-garden sex offenders and wife beaters. He's been given a TV on which he won't be able to watch his gig at the Royal Albert Hall, as well as a radio on which to not listen to the Babyshambles tracks that aren't ever played on air, even when he won't be playing at Glastonbury. These privileges are customarily only meted out for extensive periods of good behaviour.
Soul Searching: Pete Doherty
Brian, a former plasterer from Dagenham who's on a life tariff for slaughtering sixteen young homosexual men over a period of three years, is furious.
'He's getting treated like the fackin Queen. It's a fackin' disgrace. I've had to be so fackin' well-fackin'-behaved for two fackin' weeks before they let me fackin' have a fackin' radio. We should all be fackin' treated the fackin' same in 'ere, fer fack's sake. Don't matter wevva you've been cullin' fackin' faggots, skippin' compulsory fackin' drug-tests or what-the-fack-ever: I'm better fackin' behaved than that fackin twat and I ain't got no fackin' telly. Gimme a fackin' telly, ya fackin' faggot.'
It is also the case, according to these same reports, that Kate Moss' former lover has two mattresses, sparking speculation that the singer has taken on what's known as a 'jail mummy', usually a vast homosexual who offers protection to new-comers in return for what might euphemistically be described as 'big fat cock in arse' privileges. Friends of the singer, however, pooh-pooh the likelihood of this.
According to one scrawny toothless ne'er-do-well who used to sell horse to Pete, 'He's probably just expressing himself. If I had to guess, I'd say he was using the mattresses to express his contempt for modern society. He'll probably just paint crusts on them and pretend to be a sandwich. He is, in many ways, an ethereal and ephemeral talented piece of ham pressed between the slices of market forces and public misunderstanding. He's also a junky who's never been keen on one up the tail-pipe. Either way – rather him than me.'
Amy Winehouse, another not-enormous-talent-who's-not
Kate Moss, on the other hand, asked 'who?', and then strutted off on lovely long pins whistling a tune about 'a permanently plastered, pissed up bastard'.
