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"David Beckham gets his kit off"

Apparently David Beckham used to play football.

He’s also dabbled as an adulterer, gay icon and national joke. However his latest career move as the ‘face’ of Armani underwear has combined all these talents…apart from the alleged football of course. 

I say face, because we all know that ‘spokesman’ would be a non-starter for ten.

I say alleged, because 102 English caps and no trophies implies he’s done for football what Josef Fritzl did for home schooling. Fuck all. 

 

Journalists forced to cover the launch of most recent sausage in the abattoir that is brand Beckham commented that his speech was no longer than 25 seconds, in which he managed to ‘thank everyone for coming’ at least 4 times. 

Beckham will be the Armani ambassador for the next three years, with an annual fee rumoured to be $20 million plus royalties. However this is by no means just a cynical ploy to cash in.

Indeed, agents, publicists and other bottom-dwelling ten-percenters have proclaimed this move to be equivalent to the second coming. 

Josh Weinstein of CAA told eyebrow ‘He is so totally hot right now. I’m packaging a movie starring David and Paris and it’s gonna be so hot. She’s hot. He’s hot. The movie will be hot…..what?....no, they’re non-speaking roles.’ 

Crotch shots start careers.

Marky “Mark” Wahlberg made his first ignominious foray into celebrity as a member of New Kids on the Block and is now far from a weiner.

His series of underwear ads for Calvin Klein allowed him to give his teeny-bopper roots the shaft, and now the Academy nominated actor commands million-dollar fees, although critics still say he’s a bit wooden. 

Even if Becks doesn’t want to go this route, a 60 foot billboard of his junk opens doors.

He can now make a legitimate challenge for the title of the world’s most metrosexual man, an accolade currently held by the waxed, bronzed and buff ‘face’ of Dolce & Gabbana – Matthew McConaughey. 

Other celebrities of course now want to cash in too. Gavin & Stacey star James Corden is believed to be offering his services for the new line of Dove male soaps, though rumours of an 80 foot hoarding of him clutching his moobs outside the Blue Water Shopping Centre have been fiercely denied by Dartford Council. 

The fan base that has been inspired by the Beckham invasion is demographically polarised, as gay men jostled alongside even gayer men to get a glimpse of their hero at the grand unveiling. However it remains a mystery as to whether any of them know about his supposed day job.

Paige Beach (26, male) – a stylist from Brentwood – said: ‘a British friend told me a joke the other day….What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
 Posh doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind…..I don’t really get it but it’s good to know.’