Reports first published in People magazine that rapper Jay-Z has married his current ‘bitch’ Beyonce Knowles remained unconfirmed by both parties last night.

Mr Z, 38, was unavailable for comment, though one of the good folks at Roc-A-Fella Records issued a statement on his behalf to the effect that ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, don’t stop bi-atch, uh, uh-huh yeah, inspect the game, yo’. 

The magazine’s unnamed source claimed that the couple enjoyed a ‘lavish but intimate’ ceremony in Paris last Saturday, before moving on to party the night away several thousand miles away in New York.

The lying scum-bag also claimed that the A-Listers had had tattoos done on their ring fingers instead of wedding rings in the style of Scary Spice and that dancer fella she married and immediately divorced.

Another piece of tornado-bait white trash told anybody who was interested that they actually got married in Jay-Z’s TriBeCa apartment, but that sounded boring so was widely disbelieved. 

Despite Ms Knowles’ (26) protestations of ‘uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh oh-no-no’, various finger-on-the-pulse, edgy-and-investigative websites like eyebrow have been uncovering dubious transcripts of the ceremony. 

Priest: Yo – this yo bitch?

Jay-Z: Uh

Priest: Hey, yo hold up a second. Whose Pussy is dis?

Father/Manager of the Bride: Yo fuck y’all, all y’all, I’m pimpin dis bitch to ma homey Jay to the H-O-V muthafuckin Z. Motherfucker.

Jay-Z: Uh. Yeah, f’sho, nigger. 

The happy couple are said to have written their own vows, Mr Z including the heartfelt line: ‘I don’t love ‘em, I fuck ‘em; I don’t chase ‘em, I duck ‘em, - the only wife o’ mine’s a life o’ crime, and since life’s a bitch in miniskirts and big chests, how can I not flirt with death?’ 

Mrs Knowles-Z to-be made the customary reply of ‘uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh oh-no-no,’ repeating ‘Sha-ki-ra, Shakira’ whenever the relevant bridesmaid wiggled her belly and said ‘Be-yon-ce, Beyonce.’ 

Coldplay’s Chris Martin, who was definitely not at the wedding-which-wasn’t-a-wedding said that this tedious back-and-forth-ing went on until the little string that keeps Beyonce singing had fully wound itself back into her booty. He then waddled off, singing that ‘tears stream down your face when you find something you cannot replace,’ again and again until the little string tha- 

Such soulful and considered denials as ‘Man I’m gonna have y’all fucked up’ have so-far failed to put and end to rumours that Jay has made his hundredth problem legally binding, or that he does indeed have the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain.

Further speculation to the effect that the RuffRiders - and possibly even Mr Z’s nigger Swizz - are not going to be rubbering up and kicking in Mrs Knowles-Z’s back doors whilst The R.O.C. is still alive and/or at liberty and/or married to that bitch, whichever is the latest, have also been met with uncategorical ‘Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, both grammatically and figuratively. Shee-at, nigguh, add that shit up’ by the record company spokesbitch.