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"Lindsay Lohan’s publicist insists that the two girls are just ‘close friends,’ but her father, Michael, has said that ‘anyone with half a brain’ can tell their romance is real."

 Celebrity cautionary-tale Lindsay Lohan has been spotted holding hands and hugging her close friend, seemingly cracked-out DJ Samantha Ronson. According to almost everyone, this means she is gay. 

Although hardly a bastion of investigative journalism, right-wing rag The Daily Mail reported that they were turning heads onboard P Diddy’s yacht in Cannes and ‘did not seem to care who was watching their steamy kiss.’ 

And why would they? Lesbianism (or ‘bianism) can save careers. Ellen. Rosie O’Donnell. Jodie Foster. All of these ‘bians were nothing before they started wearing comfortable shoes and actually meaning it when they said ‘no.’ 

I am of course shocked and appalled…but for all the wrong reasons. Where’s the sex video? Where are the lurid tabloid stories from strippers about how Lindsay slept with them as well? Where’s that sex video? 

RoLo

 

Lohan’s publicist insists that the two girls are just ‘close friends,’ but her father, Michael, has said that ‘anyone with half a brain’ can tell their romance is real. This from the man who’s been languishing in prison for 2 ½ years and has emerged having found God. Half a brain might be pushing it. 

Lindsay ‘is a big girl and she can make her own life choices,’ Michael continued, before stating, ‘it is between her and God.’ 

There maybe trouble ahead. St Paul himself wrote that ‘none who are of homosexual perversion….will possess the kingdom of God.’ Then again, he also frowned on adulterers and thieves, so most of Hollywood is already pretty fucked. 

Mother-from-hell Dina has also weighed in, calling Ronson, ‘a sweetheart’ and claiming that ‘she's great – and she's the best spinner around.’ Whether or not that’s a euphemism I don’t know. Lesbianism is a tricky business though, and many women give up after injuring themselves after falling off half way through. Maybe spinning helps. 

I don’t want to be a naysayer (really, I want that video)…but don’t girls do this? They go to the bathroom together. They wear each other’s clothes. They snog each other when they get drunk. 

The problem is that isn’t exactly a pro-active life choice.

In fact, it seems that ol’ Linds’ has been taking life-lessons from The O.C. Remember that show? When teenage basket-case Marissa decides she’s a lesbian for a couple of episodes. Yes, it was hot, but you know what happened at the end? She died. 

By her 4 inch heels, Lindsay cares not. Apparently she is also referring to herself as Lindsay Ronson, wants to marry Sam and have her children. She wants to have her children. Unless she knows something that I don’t, that could be tricky.

Where’s that half brain when you need it?