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Hey Clare,

Can you help? My girlfriend and I are about to buy a great flat in Clapham; it’s five minutes from the tube, has really great buses that go everywhere, and the local shops have got loads of great things. We’ve even got some outdoor space and you wouldn’t believe the size of the bathroom! It’s got wooden floors throughout, too. It’s perfect! 

The trouble is this: Though I’m not at all scared of commitment, I’m afraid she might be. I’m a really liberal person, but she isn’t. She celebrates Christmas every year, and even claims that Easter is a nice time to visit her family.

She uses plastic bags, too, and still reads the Observer on paper! As if the planet didn’t have enough troubles! Even when she tries to do something nice, like buying some naughty knickers with me in mind, she always spoils it by refusing to think of the impact her actions have on the environment! 

Am I making a big mistake? 

Claude, Kilburn 

 

Dear Claude 

Lucky you wrote! Not only should you wait four or five months to see what the housing market does, but as a liberal you’ll no doubt be coming round to the realisation that there is just no place in a modern liberal society for people who aren’t modern and liberal. Why should you have to put up with someone on a daily basis who makes you feel bad about putting up with everyone and generally leaving them alone?

So many of my friends have partners who have these so-called ‘convictions’ and ‘moral certainties’, and it’s not fair on either party: their dreams of happiness are doomed. It’s time you asked yourself some pretty searching questions. Are your personal relationships as important as your tolerant approach to global affairs and social politics, for example? Can liberalism flourish without state intervention? Shouldn’t everyone else be not only more like you, but exactly like you: appreciative of diversity. 

You, like the rest of us, should take a zero-tolerance approach to intolerance, because if you tolerate people who tolerate intolerance and tolerance then you’re sponsoring intolerance, however tolerant you think you might be being. And we know what happened to intolerants, don’t we? Do they sit on the naughty step? I think not! Do they get a suspended sentence and a fine? They should be so lucky! 

No – they get smeared all over the road, don’t they? Though they disguise themselves as people going about their daily business, happily ambivalent to the sexual tendencies and political outlooks of others, there’s a fair chance they’re actually harming your wellbeing. This is why the Faithful always blow themselves up when they blow up other people: think about it – they could just put a fucking great big trunk full of plastique in the guard’s van of the Flying Scotsman and then get off at Peterborough.

But they don’t: their transcendence is the inevitable result for those who have tolerated tolerance for too long and have decided that enough’s enough. They simply can’t tolerate their own bountiful tolerance any more, and must magically go into the sky where they have loads of virgins who sit about gasping for cock. 

But martyrdom, like negotiating with estate agents, can be tricky, particularly if you’ve never done it before. Though it’s not exactly cheap, it might be worth getting a solicitor to advise you on your rights should the relationship break down due to this foul kaffar woman showing her ankles to your neighbour. 

See you in Ikea! 

Clare