Dear Clare 

Perhaps you can help me with a little problem? My husband always leaves his tea-bags in the sink when he’s finished with them. He says that if they go straight in the bin then the moisture comes out and make the whole bin smell. I’d rather not find old tea-bags in the sink every time I want to wash up, but I don’t want to make a fuss. My son (a coffee drinker) thinks I’m being silly. ‘A storm in a tea cup,’ he said. Children say the funniest things! 

Dear Anxious 

You have failed as a wife and as a mother. 

You have a son who drinks coffee, probably in public too. I bet he sits in Starbucks with Americans and Israelites reading magazines, fornicating with them and brazenly looking at the promiscuous Western women.

He looks at the slut who served him his venti decaf dry latte and wonders what it would be like to make sex at her. In her vagina. He dishonours you and his God. You should burn him. Immediately. Burn her too. Burn them all. 

You could try buying loose tea.

Many friends of mine buy it because not only do you get a fresher cup of tea, but the loose leaves compost much more quickly so those sad-looking nasturtians have something to brighten up their pot.

Most of the darling little Indian and Chinese supermarkets in East London sell a wide variety and will be happy to advise you. 

But if your husband does not like loose tea then you should beg his forgiveness.

I am ashamed to say that I borrowed money - God forgive me for using money – when I was eleven years old to give my husband a third wedding anniversary present.

It was one of those little saucers shaped like a tea-pot on which you can put used tea-bags. He explained to me that the Jews make them so that good people like me will be tempted to compromise, and then he brutally sodomised me, whilst his other wives watched and laughed, so that God might not be angry. Whittard sell them for just under a fiver, or you can find them at www.presentfinder.com, too. 

Toodle-oo