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Dear Clare 

We’re going skiing in a couple of weeks with the children (I know – we’re really asking for it!) and we’ve asked their nanny to stay and keep an eye on the house while we’re away. There’re no cats or dogs to feed, and I’m going to stock up the fridge for her, so I was wondering whether it would be simply too ghastly to pay her a little less. After all – skiing’s not that cheap, and it’s not as if we’re asking her to do anything other than have a relaxing time in our little Queen Anna manor house and eat food that we’ve paid for. 

Respectfully 

Georgie

Hants. 

 

Dear Georgie 

You’re not going to like my advice, I’m afraid! You’ll have to pay her the full whack. 

But there’s no reason you can’t ask her to do a few other things in the absence of childcare. We’ve all got that cupboard full of jam jars that need sorting, or that wisteria that needs tying back. Perhaps she could drag those tents out of the attic and see which ones are still in working order? Or maybe you’ve odds and ends of material you bought when you were going to make curtains? Why don’t you ask her to bag them up for the charity shop? 

You should start by giving her a list. Make sure it’s far more longer than you think she’ll manage – she’ll feel so guilty if she doesn’t get at least half of it done that I’m sure she’ll be busier than she would be normally! 

If when you get back you feel she has dishonoured your house with her activities – if she has been playing rock music, if she has been entertaining male visitors without adequate supervision - you’re well within your rights as an employer to withhold payment. You should bind her hands and feet with duct tape, stuff a Union Flag in her mouth, stick her in the boot of your Volvo and take her to an industrial wasteland. There you might like to slosh Premium Unleaded over her, and watch her wriggle and try to blink the fuel oil out of her dishonest eyes; watch her choke as the flag absorbs the black gold derivatives stolen by her allies from the True Believers. You could film the excursion and chant ‘God is Great’ whilst the wind whips over the microphone. Don’t forget the matches, though, or you’ll feel a right idiot! 

Clare.